Letter from a Tarsier

Greetings, puny earthlings. Many aeons now have I been alive on this planet known as ‘Pilipinas’. Mmmm! Covered in jungle it is. Many islands it has, with much coral reefs for diving. Many girlie bars has it also, but when nine hundred years you reach, go-go bars going to you will not. Chocolate Hills very popular they are with tourists, but not so tasty. Crickets I like to eat. Mmmmmm!
Unused to blogging am I, but the Jedi Master Chris has given me this task, on which depends the spiritual lives of many … even their very souls. Mmmmmmmmmmm!
Few know this, but we, the Tarsiers of the Philippines, came from a distant sun. Degobah our home is. Only survivors we were of a mighty space crash during the wars against the tentacled spaghetti-eaters of Zog. Dinosaurs did it kill, mmmm, and others too, including species of which you know not. Purple fifteen legged hose beasts were there, and Zeppelephants gracefully cruising among their cloud cities. All these passed away, becoming beings of pure light, existing only in the force.
Earthlings, bring you a message I do. The dark side is becoming strong. Courage must you muster! Enlightenment must you seek, mmmm! Even now the evils ones are disguised among us, in strange forms. Only the other day see one I did, and take a picture with my Nikon D80 I had the presence of mind to do, before into steak with my lightsabre did I slice it. Picture will I show you, yum! Bared evil teeth must you note, a sure sign of the dark side is this.
Earthlings, almost finished my letter to you is. Go must I. Skateboard new have I bought, and cool on it with my Raybans do I look. Chicks must I cruise. More crickets must I eat. Always busy the life of a Jedi Tarsier is.
Farewell, my puny friends. Ever vigilant against the dark side must you be. Farewell…

Year of the Soap-Eating Rat

Gong Xi Fa Chai! A big Happy New Year of the Rodent to everyone! I dedicate the coming year to all soap-eating animals around the world. This post comes to you from the Republic of China, a.k.a. Taiwan, a small island which manages to have the best of both worlds – beautiful mountains and beaches, clean and modern cities, great food, tall buildings and fast trains, all without indulging in anal behaviour like blocking people’s blogs. It is the ideal place to spend the festivities. I am here for a week on what was planned as a visa run from the Philippines but has turned into an express 1-week tour of the country by train and bus, taking in Tai Pei, Hua Lien and Taroko Gorge, several pubs in Kaohsiung and now Kenting, where, last night, I stood in the street watching the fireworks bring in the new year. Tomorrow I head back via bus, train and plane to the Philippines and my beach mansion where I will resume the long and mentally risky journey into my own navel known as “writing a novel”.

So, Rat Fans, what will the New Year bring for you all? I know that you are all wondering about what the future holds, and so I introduce here a new feature of Existential Vacation: astrological predictions! Yes, I will tell your fortune. Cross my palm with silver, stare into your teacup, disembowel that chicken, crane your neck backwards to trace the orbit of Orion rising in Mercury and read on…

Aquarius is a water sign, so be prepared for a wet year. Mostly it will rain on you. Why? Because you lied when you were seventeen. Don’t deny it, you know you did.

Scorpios are well known to be self-hating megalomaniacs, and the changing of the Lunar Year will do nothing to change that. Prepare yourself for immolation in the mental torture of your own vain, futile and unfulfilled ambitions, successively alienating you from your loved ones and leading to ill health, insanity and ultimate drowning in a giant vat of carrot-cake icing. On the plus side, September will see a minor win in the lottery and you might get laid in May, if you play your cards right.

People born in the Year of the Goat will find love and all of their dreams will come true, especially that one with the weird frog who talks in the voice of Sue Lawley, and all the bananas start dancing, then you realise you are the reincarnation of Genghis Khan and lay waste to the flower beds wearing nothing but Union Jack boxers and a purple feather boa.

Aliens from the planet Zog born under the sign of Earth will have an interesting year. Their investment fund values will rise, marginally beating inflation. Mild tentacle-itch will be relieved by the application of topical balm from Xorg the Chemist. Make sure not to buy a red anitgravity cycle. Avoid too much lunar dust on your spaghetti. Later on in the year, your planet will be invaded by sentient nano-robots from the Alpha Centauri system which will infiltrate you nervous system and force you to sing Barry Manilow songs at odd hours – but apart from this they will be quite benign.

[that’s enough astrology – Ed]